Written by Mary Adele Blair, M.S.W., R.S.W.
At some point, all couples who experience infertility must stand at the crossroads. For each of us, who have walked this path, and come to grips with the reality that reproduction of a biological child is unlikely or impossible, the avenues before us, to pursue life goals, must be carefully and objectively examined.
Infertility represents a number of losses for couples, which may include the loss of genetic continuity, the loss of a jointly conceived child, the loss of the experience of, and emotional rewards of producing offspring, the loss of the opportunity to parent, the loss of control over one’s life, and the loss of self-esteem and self-worth. Any one, or combination of these losses, is likely to result in a grief reaction, generally characterized by the emotional stages of surprise, denial, anger, bargaining, isolation, depression, and acceptance and resolution. It is this emotional goal of resolution which heralds a couple’s real readiness to move on with their lives, and make the crossroad choice of child-free living or adoption.
According to Patricia Irwin Johnson, in the Adoption’s Advocate, the grieving process and the ultimate achievement of resolution is a slow process which most often begins during the test and treatment stage. Infertility is a profound emotional experience which doesn’t just go away. It is a wound which leaves its scars. "For many couples, adoption is part of the resolution process. The key becomes then to prepare them for this stage and to ensure that they have not left unfinished business behind them in the resolution process".
Smith and Miroff in You’re Our Child, a Social Psychological Approach to Adoption, state that successful adoption is built on successfully engaging in the process of building a sense of entitlement, or a feeling of belonging between parent and child. This is accomplished by learning to recognize and deal with the psychological ramifications of their own infertility, by recognizing that adoptive parenting is different from biological parenting in some ways, and by learning to handle questions and comments which may reflect society’s general feeling that adoption is the second-best alternative for all involved.
Johnson suggests that indicators of accomplishment of a sense of entitlement include the following:
1. Acknowledgement of feelings of disappointment about one’s inability to parent biologically and that adoption is a necessary positive alternative for family building.
2. Absence of fantasies about what might have been with the biological children who don’t exist.
3. Absence of resentment of a particular social worker or of an agency, in general, because of the need for a pre-placement Home Study.
4. Ability to discuss adoption plans with some openness, at appropriate times, to appropriate persons.
5. Absence of obsessive fears that a child to be adopted will not measure up to family standards.
6. Positive attitudes about a child’s birth parents, and the possibility of search.
7. Comfort with discussion of adoption with the child.
8. Confidence in a couple’s ability to discipline an adopted child consistently and effectively.
Couples nearing the crossroads, during infertility testing or subsequent to it, may ask how resolved the infertility issues must be, and how entitled they must feel before proceeding with adoption. They may also ask what they can do to help themselves build a sense of entitlement in adoption and move towards a reasonable level of resolution of their infertility.
Firstly, a couple can examine the losses to themselves, as a unit, that infertility has created. If one of the major losses is perceived to be the loss of the opportunity to parent, then adoption may be a suitable way for the couple to deal with it. It would be beneficial to enquire about adoption at this time, telephone agencies, speak to adoptive parents, read about adoption, access the myriad of resources on the Internet, attend adoption seminars, become involved in an infertility self-help group and an adoptive parents group or preadoptive parents group, if these are available in your community. Couples are well advised to keep good communication open between themselves and to talk to each other about what type of child would integrate well into their family and what their ideas are about parenting and adoption. Other couples may wish to increase their experience with children, if they have had little, by providing child care for friends and relatives.
When a couple feels ready, they could then involve themselves in a well designed Home Study, which emphasizes not only evaluation, but education and preparation for the special role of adoptive parents. This last suggestion is often a difficult one for couples to initiate because the situation may be threatening. No matter how kind, understanding, knowledgeable, or caring an adoption worker may be, she is invested with power and control. Preadoptive parents feel powerless to control the areas of their lives which most couples take for granted, and the worker or agency has the power, and obligation, to determine a couple’s readiness and suitability to build a family by adoption. No wonder couples who have suffered through the often long and arduous process of an infertility workup feel so vulnerable!
A positive Home Study experience can be had by a couple which the social worker or agency involved, sees itself primarily as a preparer of parents. Jacqueline Horner Plumez, in Successful Adoption, states "Good agencies treat a Home Study as a partnership ... pursue adoption ... Your social worker should be your partner and your helper -- not your opponent". Your social worker should demonstrate good communication skills, empathy, warmth and knowledge of the field. It is good to remember as well that social workers are looking for solid happy homes for children and do not expect the unattainable perfection that preadoptive families may feel is required.
Couples will feel more comfortable with an impending Home Study if they have educated themselves about adoption issues and establish a network of peer support. It is good to discuss between yourselves, in advance of your interviews with your social worker, what you can offer a child, the strengths and weaknesses in your marriage and life situation, and your motivations and attitudes towards adoptions. It is best, as well, that couples present themselves honestly, fairly and openly with the worker.
Infertility is a life crisis. For those who are experiencing it, an understanding of the emotional processes connecting infertility and adoption are salient in assessing one’s own readiness for adoption, when standing at the crossroads. When a couple feels ready, is properly prepared and chooses adoption as their alternative, parenting an adopted child can be a highly rewarding and enriching experience.